National Redneck Party Convention - By: Fred Morris

It's election year and I don't hear anybody talking about the poor, redneck population. They don't qualify for government aid or healthcare, because they work jobs, (most times), pay taxes (sometimes) and are seldom heard griping about anything except the foreigners or something that has nothing to do with them.

The REAL rednecks aren't worried about their living conditions, but the rest of us should be or they could become a dying breed. There would be a huge redneck voter turnout if you served beer, hosted a line dance and had bingo available for the old farts. Although if there is money to win at bingo you can bet there'll be more bingo players than line dancers any day. You know the ones - they have 3 major teeth missing, 4 dogs they got somehow, 7 fishing poles in the back of their truck, 4 kids they pay child support on that don't even look like them, and were never married to or barely remember the kid's moms. Ok, I have to say it, they live in a trailer OR a homemade bomb shelter they built with scrap lumber.

Everything they own has a hole in it - the couch, the carpet, the roof, the bedroom door, the living room wall, their underwear, their socks, their eardrums, their septum, their front porch, their back porch, their shirts, their jeans and the floorboard on their pickup truck. Talk about being in the hole.

They hardly have anything to eat, who needs it when beer fills most of the 5 food groups. What with starch being a carbohydrate, hops being a vegetable, barley for grains, sugar for the sweet tooth and what protein they get usually come in the form of a 2" square burger found at the local greasy spoon better known as the world famous Krystal...that's Greasetals to you redneck wannabes. Did I say 5...what the heck there are 4 of the main food groups at least! When it's not Krystals, they do a mite bit of fishin' or huntin' that more than makes up for any food groups the beer won't cover, bearin' in mind grease is the 6th unofficial food group....but who's countin? It's not a pretty picture being a redneck. His ole' lady isn't pretty, his mother isn't pretty, even the dogs don't look that good. It's enough to make a feller' wanna' drink.

And they live in a world that's always broke. Something is broke, the TV is broke, the lawnmower is broke, the microwave is broke, the freezer is broke, the easy chair isn't easy-it's broke and of course, when he gets his paycheck after child support deductions, he's broke, too.

But he keeps on thinking positive, positive that something else is going to break, get a hole in it, or not be pretty tomorrow, then if nothing goes wrong, it's a good day.

They get up, decide to go to work are happy the pickup starts, so go fishing instead. It doesn't take much to make a redneck happy. Rednecks are pretty low maintenance, as a breed and they don't have to have a lot of material needs, unless it is their truck or hunting and fishing gear.

When Willie Nelson had FarmAid, he was on the right track, but why didn't he have Redneck Aid? The true rednecks are too proud to ask for help most of the time, they need a fundraiser for them, too, or maybe they need to hold the National Redneck Party Convention, you can get millions in federal money for that, I hear.

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