Infidelity and Finances - By: Jeffrey D

Infidelity and Finances

An experienced writer once commented "you can
tell what is truly important to a man by what he
spends his time and money on". His observation
was as true when he wrote it as it is today. In
the aftermath of an affair, the marital
relationship often requires rebuilding in many
areas. One of the areas requiring rebuilding is
that of trust regarding time and finances.

During the course of an affair, time and money
are spent on the new and exciting relationship.
The affair, like any relationship is never static.
It often requires increasing commitments in time
or money or both. A lack in one attribute often
means having to make up for it with more of the
other. The hidden price tag of affairs is often
not seen until the parties are deep in the
situation. Besides the initial expenditures,
there are secondary costs as well. These include
phone charges, gifts to pacify the resolute
spouse, medical expenses, or just guilt money.
The extra time expenses include the time thinking
about the other party, time focused on trying to
keep matters secret, time spent worrying about
who might see you and what they may say. All of
these are part of the price tag of an affair.
These items also need attention during the '
rebuilding of a relationship'.

The damage done to trust in financial matters
show up in many ways. The resolute spouse may
question expenses and tardiness in arriving at
appointments even after an affair has ended. This
is often aggravating for the spouse involved in
the affair. They often believe that since the
affair is over, there is no need to question
their actions. They do not understand that there
are many emotions attached to every reminder of
the affair, including finances and time use.

The resolute spouse often scrutinizes phone
bills, checks, credit card statements, toll road
receipts and any other documentation associated
with how time and money have been spent. The
scrutinizing is intensified when the offending
spouse avoids or minimizes discussions of the
affair. Tensions in this area often reveal that
the couple did not communicate or did not take
responsibility in such matters. Affairs often
reveal areas where responsibilities have been
ignored or avoided. Finances are an area that
many people avoid or minimize responsibilities.

The issues of time and money often have many
emotions associated with them. Discussing these
issues and bringing about some type of
accountability trigger emotional outbursts. It is
important to keep in mind that such outbursts are
reactions to the accountability, which, if the
disloyal spouse has a pattern of avoiding
responsibility, to suddenly now have to face it
is a drastic change. Their emotional reaction is
more about resisting the accountability and the
inadequacies they feel inside rather than a
personal rejection of the loyal spouse. Taking
the emotional reactions personally is a sure way
to start a conflict that does nothing but
distract from the root issues that need the
attention. Recall that the affair was their
solution to a problem. The avoidance of facing
their inadequacies is closer to the root of the
issues.

In some relationships, understanding the
relationship between finances and affairs can at
times become a matter of circular logic of which
came first the chicken or the egg. Which came
first, the financial problems or the affair? In
situations where the financial problem came first,
the affair served as a distraction to avoid
dealing with the area they seek to avoid taking
on the necessary responsibility.

Time is another area that often has strong
emotions associated with it. Time often carries
with it connotations of freedom. Discussing how
the disloyal spouse spends their time often
triggers comments associated with infringing on
their freedoms. Since how a person spends their
time reveals much about actual priorities, taking
a close look at this area often reveals other
issues or patterns that they are struggling with.
Besides revealing priorities, accountability also
reveals what has been avoided or neglected.
Making relationships work requires time. Using
such terms as quality time or leveraging time are
still no substitute for actual time spent with
the other person. Making a relationship work
requires a minimum of 10-15 hours a week with
each other. Trying to make it work with less time
requires tremendous effort on the part of both
partners.

Honesty is a necessary part of the emotional
healing. Honesty is also an important part in
healing the areas of finances and time. Honesty
also needs to be approached with caution, since
when mishandled, it can cause great harm. Honesty
can turn into a weapon when misused, leaving its
victim demoralized, vulnerable and devastated.
When this happens, couples often describe feeling
'gutted like a fish' to describe the experience.
Since honesty without love is cruelty, it use
needs to always be associated with love. This is
where it helps to recall that the main goal is
that of reconciliation, restoration and healing.
If what is about to be said does not bring
healing, or restoration, then it is likely in the
best interest of both parties to not say it no
matter how 'honest' it may be.

Increasing responsibility is one of the main
focuses of repairing the relationships. Couples
in healthy relationships are able to respond to
the needs of themselves and their partner. By
contrast, in unhealthy relationships, needs are
often ignored, attacked or minimized. Increasing
responsibility includes making changes in how
emotional, financial and time issues are
addressed.

About the Author

http://www.SurviveYourPartnersAffair.com http://www. RestoreTheFamily.com

Article Directory Source: http://www.articlerich.com/profile/Jeffrey-D/17094

Additional Articles From - Home | Home & family