How to Have a Real Relationship - By: Chandra Alexander

Everyone wants a real relationship; we all want the real deal. Even if we’ve never had it, we know what it is. How do we know what it is? It is our true Self, our true nature. A real relationship is a fit; a resonance.

Now contrary to a popular belief, you can’t work on relationships – all you work on is your Self. When couples come to see me, I see them together once, but then see them separately. Seeing couples together is usually about compromise. But compromise only works with whether or not you want Italian or Chinese, a red chair or a green chair; it doesn’t work with heart feelings. When you compromise on your essence you build resentment, so unless you know how to really take care of yourself, and most people don’t, a lot of couples spent a lot of time being resentful.

Working on your Self in a relationship is the only way to insure you are going to be okay.
A relationship is nothing more than the dynamic between two people. If both parties are dysfunctional, the relationship is dysfunctional. If both people are healthy, the relationship is healthy.

Real relationships result naturally from authenticity. It is only when you are connected to the core of who you really are that you are able to have a real relationship. Loving is really an introspective process: only when you know and love your Self, only then, can you love another.

Being intimate with your Self allows you to be intimate with another person. If you don’t like who you are you will never allow another person to get to close to you. As your partner moves close, you will do something to push him away. This is called the dance of intimacy. Move close, pull apart. Get some breathing room, move back together again. It is tedious and tiresome.
So… how do we stop this nonsense?

We have always focused on the other person, looking for that person to fill us and make us feel loved. We come to them – this big empty vessel – and say “Fill me”. And then when we don’t get filled, we blame them, feel rejected, and leave. As long as we look outside ourselves for love, we will never have real relationships. If we want to bring love in our lives, we must first be love.

Being authentic is a process that happens over a lifetime and simultaneously takes place in the moment. It is based on the choices we make: whether we choose to stay awake or go to sleep or whether we face our fears or run to the safety of what we already know. The way to authenticity requires a certain fearlessness. You have to be willingly to look at things differently and then, do it differently.

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