How to Deal With Toxic People and Emotional Vampires - By: Ruth Bridgewood

We all have people in our lives, mostly co-workers and family (who we don't have much choice about having around) but also friends who we have chosen to have in our lives, who can drain our energy and cause anxiety, resentment or depression. These are people who are controlling, needy, backstabbing or critical, causing you to feel hurt, belittled or powerless. Emotional drain can be a touchy subject - it can be difficult to tackle without alienating people or appearing to be difficult, impolite or uncaring. The people who are often affected the most are those who are caring and empathic.
It is important that we do tackle the issue however. According to Judith Orloff, MD, in "Emotional Freedom" (2009) these emotional vampires do more than drain your physical energy. They can make you believe you're unworthy, and small digs here and there can make you feel bad about yourself. Whilst forgiveness and acceptance are important traits for us all to have, it is not acceptable for others to put you down or lower your self-esteem, which may already be a bit shaky. So, it is necessary to have the requisite skills and a plan to successfully deal with it.
You can start by realising that people are rarely setting out to drain you on purpose. They are usually a product of their past conditioning and simply do not know any other way. Their parents may have been self-absorbed, critical or aggressive, or they may have suffered some form of trauma or mistreatment in their childhood that has caused them to react and be a bully or treat other people in a less-than appropriate manner. So the first step is to not take it personally when people are rude or difficult, and also to expect the other person to behave the way they do - they have adopted certain behaviours over the years that have worked for them and are not likely to change. Here are some more options and ideas on how to deal with these people:
Change Yourself First - Understand that you cannot change anybody else - the only person you can change is yourself. Even though the other person's behaviour may be unfair or out of order, you can "rise above it" by becoming more friendly and likeable, at the same becoming a stronger and more assertive person who commands respect. (There is plenty of information on the internet and other places about how to become more assertive). Changing yourself may feel uncomfortable at first but having the courage to stand up to someone will do it will help you is worth persisting.
Leave - Another option is to leave the relationship. This, of course, is difficult if you are in a good job and there's just one person there who "gets on your nerves". Or if that person is your mother and you don't really want to cut her out of your life. However, if you have friends or even a partner that is bringing you down or being unsupportive, then this option should be seriously considered.
Learn and Grow - Difficult people give you an opportunity to grow as a human being. This ties in with the changing yourself aspect mentioned above. Stop seeing the other person as a monster or evil, try to acknowledge their positive or good points (yes, even they have some!). Your acceptance and tolerance levels will increase and you will be a "better person" for it.
Change Your Focus - Take your focus off the other person and look for other areas or people in your life that have been neglected while you have been pre-occupied with this person. Invite the people you value to do things with you and stop using them as a sounding board to complain about the horrible person or people in your life (you'll start to sound like a victim, and nobody wants that!). Regardless of whether the people you care about accept your invitations, make an effort to be closer to them and increase your love, intimacy and friendship.
So, to summarise - the things you can do are:
1. Realise that people rarely intentionally set out to hurt you
2. Change yourself and your attitude
3. Leave the relationship
4. Learn and grow from the situation
5. Change your focus to other people and areas of your life.
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About the Author

Ruth Bridgewood is a qualified Life Coach, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist specialising in on-line personal growth courses, tools and resources. For more articles and free gifts, visit http://www.inspirit-persgrowth.com or for a large selection of low cost

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