How A Divorce Can Make Your Child More Cynical - By: David A. Walker

Unlike many lower forms of life, a human child is not born with a set of instincts that will enable him or her to survive. A child's survival, like most mammals, is dependent on her bonding with her caregivers - normally her parents. This dependence has been hardwired into humans by nature for centuries. It should, therefore, not surprise anyone that children form strong attachments to their moms and dads. It would be a surprise, and reason for worry, if they didn't. This attachment, or bond, is a indication that the relationship between the child and her parents is healthy.

As she begins to grow and as she comes into contact with more people, her bonds to her parents become a bit less. Simultaneously, however, she will begin to form attachments with others such as cousins and relatives, neighbors, teachers, and so on. This will typically happen somewhere between the ages of three to five. But if this bond is weakened too quickly or too traumatically, she may become forever distrustful of attachments and have relationship troubles for the rest of her life.

What is the effect on a child when a couple gets divorced? Her mind and emotions are suddenly thrown into upheaval. In her mind, the once unshakeable bond that she's relied upon since she was born, is about to be smashed. In her young mind, she sees the divorce as desertion or a betrayal of trust. After all, If one of her parents, who she has trusted and relied upon since birth, is leaving her, how can she ever trust anyone who she may become attached to in the future to stay with her? And for many kids, this feeling will stay with them well into their adulthood.

And the feeling of being abandoned goes beyond this. One parent has already left her. What confidence can she have that the other parent won't leave her also? To a young child, this unspoken fear of being alone in the world can be terrifying. In many children this anxiousness is so perceptible that they begin to go through major behavior changes. Some kids will become clingy and are afraid to let their remaining parent out of their site for fear that they may leave and never return. Some will act out their anger by throwing temper tantrums. Other will wet their beds. And still other children may become emotionally withdrawn in an effort to save their feelings from further pain.

To a young child, divorce is a harsh wake up call that the world is not what they thought it was. Their home is no longer a secure refuge from the rest of the world.

To prevent or at least allay some of the children's fears, the way in which concerned parents handle the divorce is critical. Being able to cope with an experience such as divorce is not natural - it's learned. Kids don't have the life experiences that would enable them to cope with it. Heck, many adults don't have the know how to cope with divorce. But the children need reassurance from both parents that they are not abandoning them and that they will stay in their lives. This, more than anything else, will help to reassure a child that the bonds that they formed were not for naught.

How important is it that the parent child attachment stay strong? Many researchers believe that the quality of the initial attachment of a baby to her parents is one of the most significant predictors of how that person will form relationships for the rest of her life.

About the Author

David Walker is webmaster and owner of http://www.onlinedivorcetips.com . Find additional articles regarding advice for men and women getting a divorce, the effect of divorce on children, and other divorcee related topics.

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