Finding Friends When You’re In Need – How Marital Problems Filter Out Fake “Friends” - By: Vanaja Ghose

It is always in times of great trials that one learns what “fair-weather friends” really means. No matter how hurt and battered you may already feel before, during, and after the process of leaving a marriage, you are not exempt from this truth. The realization, often, is almost as damaging as the breakdown of marriage itself: you have already lost someone who you had vowed to be with through thick and thin, but because of one reason or the other, now you may find that some others will follow suit.

The Scope of Intimacy
The intimacy of a marriage requires that you share more than just the bed together. You become a part of each other’s social network. From the dating days to the actual years in marriage itself, both of you introduce each other to your respective friends, and learn not only to curl yourself into your partner’s social niche, but also to find friends among your partner’s own friends. And in leaving a marriage, many of the relationships established and friends cultivated during the course of your union may also be compromised.

The Brighter Side
There are always two sides to a coin. So, instead of letting the effects of leaving a marriage on your friends be another reason to mourn, regret, and wallow in self-pity and depression, look at it as a venue to filter out real friends from those who have only seemed to stay by your side, but were actually staying only under the condition of your spouse’s presence.

How to Count Friends
When this happens, learn how to really count friends. Instead of using numbers, use time and trust instead. Try to understand that it is not number itself which matters, but whether you have a few good buddies who will help you through your difficult days. Remember that a person can feel completely alone in a crowd, and that when it comes to human hearts, it is warmth that matters more than anything else. Your marital fall-out tests not only you, but the people around you.

Put Things in Perspective
It is easy to understand that a person who has recently left a marriage may have more than her fair share of frazzled nerves and sleepless nights. It is, after all, not only friends that are the issue in the collapse of a marriage: there is everything from the banal things such as who gets to keep what, and how to divide the bank book, to the most personal and private experiences of disappointment and of anger. Still, learn the value of perspective. Just as you may find a few friends taking sides, keep in mind that your spouse probably is enduring the same thing. Your spouse needs some degree of compassion as well.

Make It through the Night
Failed marriages can be one of the most heartbreaking things a person can go through. But while nobody said it would be easy, with the right friends you can make it through the darkest days.

Call to Action
Reach out to a friend this week that you have not spoken with for some time. Instead of asking for her help, why not ask her how YOU can help her? You will get immense satisfaction from being of service.

© Vanaja Ghose 2009

About the Author

Vanaja Ghose http://www.leavingyourmarriage.compage_id=5) is a Professional Life Coach helping women who chose to leave their marriage or long term relationship and now want to powerfully recreate their lives. Vanaja helps people create a new relationship with money that propels them to take action and stop being an underearner. New Teleclass series starting soon:www.leavingyourmarriage.compage_id=192

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