Divorce: The Kids Should Be Friends With All Of You - By: Lucille Uttermohlen

After the divorce, where the kids live is still an emotional issue. Parents feel special grief and stress when a new person enters the picture as a significant other to the ex-spouse. Of course, there is often left over hostility from the divorce, but there is also genuine fear of the new person's place in the child's life.

Too often, the new lover is well aware that he is a replacement for the ex. Consequently, he is defensive and territorial about his place in his lover's life. He is likely to insert himself in the lover's interaction with her ex, and add to what is already a tense parenting relationship.

When this happens, several things can follow. The kids sense that the significant other has created a wedge between the parents, and can maximize their power. They can make false reports about the new adult to win the sympathy of their other parent, making the relationship with the ex and the new person harder to negotiate.

The new person may seem more liberal and understanding to the child. After all, she is trying to become friends, and is likely to present herself as less authoritarian then the child's other parent. In turn, the other parent feels left out in the cold, and helpless to control the child's actions and attitudes. Teenagers, who already feel tied down and misunderstood are most vulnerable to any adult attempts to win their favor in this way.

Thus, it is important that the parents, and their new friends and lovers take care to understand the dynamics of their situation, and work together to keep the adults in control. These tips should help.

1. The children should be taught to treat anybody in either household with respect, and each adult has a right to demand courtesy from them. There is never an excuse for bad manners, even if the child is unhappy or not thrilled to share his space with a particular adult. Violence is never appropriate, but stern reminders and consistent consequences should be employed where and when necessary. The child may miss being allowed to act out, , but he will get used to it if he is not rewarded for bad behavior.

2. The adults should also encourage children to treat everyone in both households with respect. You may not like your ex's new honey, and she may wish you'd get hit by a truck. However, using your kids to make this point is just cruel and stupid. If the new partner doesn't like the child, she won't be made welcome in the home. A child has a right to be a positive part of both parent's lives, and anything done to discourage good feelings between them is wrong.

If your son or daughter visits his other parent with the idea that he is being disloyal to you by being kind to the lover of the other, he will be under a lot of stress, and will not be as able to maintain a positive bond with the other parent. His visits will be viewed as necessary but dreadful interludes instead of the joyful, healthy occasions and times to share that they should be. It may be hard to keep your real feelings about your ex's lover to yourself, but your child should feel that it is all right to get to know the new person, and be comfortable making friends with him.

3. The significant other should never have to discipline the child. He does not have to tolerate rude or nasty behavior, and has the right to respond accordingly. However, decisions and actions regarding the child's schooling, friendships, or responsibilities, either in the home, school or church are best left to his parents. The parent and her partner should discuss their expectations privately, and the parent should enforce the rules decided upon. The new partner should not have to rear the child, and there will be much less family tension if he is not forced to do so.

If the adults handle the situation in a mature and responsible manner, the family dynamics will change when a new lover enters the picture, but the change does not have to be traumatic for the children. Kids must be free to develop their own relationships with adults, as long as their parents are there to protect them from being victims. They should be encouraged to take each person on her own merits, including the new lovers of parents the child would prefer to have to himself. He is more likely to be a welcome addition to the new adult's life if he is courteous, respectful and cooperative, than he will be if he acts suspicious and hostile. It may be tempting to encourage a child to make the life of the ex who has hurt you help you pay her back by being difficult and unpleasant, but the child will suffer more than your spouse will if his attitude is bitter rather than open.

Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen

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