3 Types of Infidelity and What They Mean - By: Penny Anne Weurtzel

Infidelity comes in different forms, each with its own characteristics and consequences. Understanding the type of cheating your spouse has engaged in is often as important as its discovery. While this may not diminish the pain of betrayal or emotional impact of unfaithfulness, it reveals much about the character of your spouse, the state of your marriage, the chances of repairing and recovering from the damage, and the possibility your spouse's infidelity will result in divorce.

1. One time, one person, one place

All spouses are human, and therefore capable of error, even serious error. Few of us are entirely free of things like financial or career missteps, or damaged or poor relationships with friends or family members. Others of us have been challenged by over-spending, drinking or strife resulting from marriage partners who don’t or won’t work together. Since marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, few spouses are capable of going decades without ever being in the wrong.

One of the more serious mistakes a spouse can make is to succumb to weakness of the flesh. It can be driven by unhappiness, lust or the desire to be found attractive and wanted. It can and does happen even in what an errant spouse believes to be a happy marriage. It happens to people who are in every other respect model husbands or wives. There is no excuse for it and any extenuating circumstances are irrelevant. But as humans capable of error, we are not immune to temptation. If we are alert and clear in our common sense and moral bearings, we’ll be wise enough to recognize temptation and avoid it.

The stereotypical out-of-town fling or drunken encounter may indeed be a one-off. Discovered or not, your spouse may be embarrassed and ashamed by what happened. He or she might be sufficiently chastened or frightened by what happened to never let it happen again. But if the incident goes undiscovered, the fling might also serve the role of ‘gateway drug’ to future infidelity. That is, in the absence of consequences, your spouse might be tempted to stray again should an opportunity present itself.

Discovered or not, when an otherwise faithful spouse succumbs to such temptation, it may be an indication of serious problems with your marriage or a sign that your relationship is beginning to deteriorate. This is the most recoverable form of infidelity, provided it is addressed by an erring partner who is truly contrite and prepared to do the hard work necessary to earn back trust, and if the couple is willing to work together on strengthening the relationship.

2. Serial philandering

Routine infidelity with multiple partners is perhaps the most abusive and damaging form of unfaithfulness. Here, the spouse pursues dalliances when opportunities arise or desire presents itself. It’s more than likely this type of spouse was an unfaithful partner to previous wives and significant others. This sort of behavior has little to do with you and more to do with your spouse’s character. He or she may be driven by insecurity or narcissism, the need for flattery, approval and attention, or because the spouse is addicted to the thrill of romance, novelty or lust. Your spouse may have been raised in a family where infidelity was accepted or ignored.

If you find yourself married to this type of partner, you may be unaware of the extra-marital activity because each instance is brief and takes place when sufficient opportunity exists, say, while traveling on business. In many cases, however, some of the activity is discovered, usually followed by promises on the part of the erring spouse to remain faithful. Without a true change of heart or behavior, this is the most difficult form of infidelity from which to recover.

3. Romantic affairs

Some would argue that a full-blown romantic affair, particularly a long-term affair by a spouse who has not engaged in extra-marital behavior in the past, is the most difficult form of infidelity a married couple can face. In these cases, it’s not the sexual infidelity but the ‘affair of the heart’ which is the greater betrayal. By this way of thinking, while there is certainly no excuse for a one-night stand, succumbing to physical attraction is an ‘understandable’ temporary infatuation borne of human weakness.

But an emotional involvement, particularly one in which the partners confess to ‘love’ one another, with all this implies, is a severe compromise of marital vows. Such entanglements are often extremely stressful while underway and even more painful for all involved once the affair comes to light.

Assuming your spouse is not serially unfaithful, there may be several possible explanations for the affair. If the marriage has been a happy one (you’ll need to be honest with yourself here), your spouse may be going through a period of emotional instability. He or she feels life and youth slipping by. There may be dissatisfaction at work or a career has stagnated. This is the proverbial mid-life crisis which many couples weather (often without infidelity) when the errant spouse re-commits himself or herself to the relationship after the storm has passed.

So why is this happening?

In many cases, the advent of infidelity in your marriage indicates long-standing trouble with the relationship. In fact, your marriage may have been in trouble for some time. This is because even the most committed partners can go on auto-pilot under the stress of work, raising children and everyday life. Financial or career set-backs can accelerate this deterioration.

This is why an honest assessment of your relationship is essential. Ask your self if both partners are still meeting each other’s needs. Do you still communicate and resolve disputes effectively? Are you both committed to the same goals? Again, this in no way absolves a partner from culpability for being unfaithful. But if the relationship has not been nurtured, or is beset by other dysfunctions, the door may be opened for escape by one partner from real or perceived deficiencies in the relationship.

So it’s important to understand the source and nature of your spouse’s infidelity. When it comes to salvaging or abandoning your marriage, a one-time indiscretion is far different from serial infidelity or a romantic involvement. Each reveals much about the character of your spouse and your marriage.

About the Author

Penny Anne Weurtzel is a survivor of infidelity in her marriage. She shares what she's learned about infidelity in marriages at her website.

Article Directory Source: http://www.articlerich.com/profile/Penny-Anne-Weurtzel/190043

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